most of my decisions were made impulsively, including the decision to let Jenaka Aditya stay the night in the living room of my apartment. I don’t know what kind of evil spirit possessed me at the moment, but I know I shouldn’t do that. I went down to the lobby the moment he said he parked his car in the basement. Me with my bunny slippers. I couldn’t care less about how he saw me because I believe he’s seen worse. My heart almost stopped beating when I saw him across the lobby. Man’s still wearing his work outfit, but this feels more… domestic. The loose tie, the unkempt hair, I wasn’t aware of the disaster I walked myself into.

I have never felt so scared in an elevator alone with a guy, but the ride up to the 17th floor feels excruciatingly long and I want to hurl myself out the window, free-falling to my death. That sounds way better than falling in love with Jenaka Aditya. THE Jenaka Aditya. But I kept my calm and waited until the door opened to walk in front of him, straight to my unit.

Luckily for me, my apartment was always tidy. I mostly don’t touch the things in the living room, so it doesn’t look too bad for the guests. I can’t remember the last time we were in a room together, just the two of us. Was it 6th grade when we came early, and the teacher moved the class to another room but didn’t notify us? or was it 8th grade when we were staying at the school’s clinic on one Monday morning? Maybe it was 11th grade when I cleaned the whole laboratory all by myself after one very traumatic lab work.

I showed him around, and he helped me set the sofa, so it turned into a makeshift bed. He then went into the bathroom to clean himself while I staggered to my room, looking for a spare blanket and pillows for him to use. I found one in the back of my wardrobe along with my favorite oversized knitted sweater. I tear open the laundry plastic, check the pillows for any funny smells, and throw the oversized sweater onto my bed.

I walked out at the same time he walked out of the bathroom. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt and black shorts. My heart does another catapult. Because what if I really fall in love with him? Armors down and all, what if I wasn’t being impulsive when I let him in? What if it was because deep down, I know I can trust him more than I ever did?

We stood there for a few seconds before he cleared his throat and walked past me. He smelled like citrus and wood, which was the only liquid soap I had in my bathroom.

To be frank, I had always trusted him. Now, or 10 years ago when we were assigned to a group project and made an electric installation for a physics subject. I had always trusted him, even when he took a different side. I believe one day he’ll come around, but I never expected it would turn like this. He always had these pieces of me since we were 12, one for each moment I glanced across the room just to confirm that he was around. It’s my way of reassuring myself that I’m in a safe zone. That I don’t have to be afraid of anything because he’s standing there, amongst the crowd, silently cheering me on.

I handed him the pillow and blanket before asking him if he needed anything else.

“Alright, good night, Jenaka, I love you.”

Here comes the urge to jump out of the window again. He let out a gasp when I said it. Like it was a bad thing. But I know he was surprised because I am too. How the hell are you going to respond to that? Are we ready for that yet? Am I healed enough to not push him away when things get hard? Am I good enough for him to stay for a long time?

But then again, I never felt like this before. Like I was easy to love. Because he made it seem effortless to show it. He memorized things about me that I can’t even remember about myself and for once he made me feel seen and not just a side character.

I ran back to my room before he could even open his mouth. I don’t want to hear anything that comes out of it because I’m delirious and I can’t think straight right now.

I lay on my bed for the longest time, using my ear to pick up any noises from the other side of the door. But there was nothing but silence, we’re too caught up in our heads, I assume.

When I woke up in the morning, it felt like I just had the best sleep of my whole life. I walked out of my room, completely forgetting the fact that Jenaka was asleep in the living room. I held back a scream, but he didn’t budge. He was even smiling when he was sleeping. It was cute, it’s like he’s living up to his name, Jenaka. I could never forget that name for as long as I lived. Neither could I forget him and all the things that he makes me feel.

I feel safe and sound now because I have him around. Even better, it feels like I’m cushioned so no fall no matter how bad it was could break me. Hopefully, that includes the process of falling in love. Because it’s soothing, it’s peaceful, and it’s comforting. It’s full of love, the kind that makes me see eye to eye with him like we never before.